The Wandering Wordsman

The Jenoviad Entry #58

Wordsman — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 05:00:17 +0000

“What?” said Tifa, now real scared
“What are they gonna do?”
The Don grinned. “To fair Sector Sept
The Shinra bid adieu

“They can do it, too,” he laughed
“The whole plate, just like that
They blow one supporting pillar
An entire sector’s flat!”

“Oh God . . . we have to stop them!”
“Hey, can I come tag along?”
“Damn those Shinra. Think they’re so bad”
“Wait. I’m not done with this song

“Do you know why I would blab so?
Why I would so eas’ly give?”
Cloud just shrugged. “We do not care
D’you lose the will to live?”

“Wrong, wrong, wrong!” Corneo cried
“Your ball missed ev’ry pin!”
Flicking a hidden switch, he said
“It’s ‘cause I know I’ll win”

The floor slid out from ‘neath them
Sending to the depths the three
As he fell, Cloud muttered
“Why’s this keep happening to me?”

Movie Two-Liners Entry #57

Wordsman — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 05:00:39 +0000

This week’s puzzle:

An under-appreciated genius leaves town on a journey to prove himself, but he runs into trouble with some animals. His daughter goes off to save him, then he goes off to save her, then she goes off to save him again, and then they are both saved by a cup.

Last week’s puzzle:

Two men try and fail to break up a holiday gathering at their workplace, and then they get in trouble with their boss for working to finish a matter that was supposed to have been taken care of already. A fugitive known only by a fake name helps solve a mystery without lifting a finger.

And the answer is . . . ▼

This Day in History Entry #57

Wordsman — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 05:00:27 +0000

Trav’ling with Dad, while still young and cute
He earned the nickname of “Little Boot”
To loud shouts of acclaim
He emperor became
But his reign took a sharp downward route

Event: Gaius Julius Caesar Germanicus (better known as Caligula) becomes emperor following the death of Tiberius
Year: 37 AD
Learn more: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caligula

Brevity=Wit Entry #15

Wordsman — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 13:32:03 +0000

The advent of daylight saving time this weekend can mean only one thing: spring is coming. Warmer temperatures and fervent rains are sweeping in to release the northern lands from the snow that has choked them for the past several months. Birds and other animals begin to return, suggesting that perhaps once again people can venture outside without bundling up in layers absurd enough to rival the turducken. For those who enjoy a casual walk through the woods as a part of their daily routine, this is a good thing.

But even though it may be warm, that does not mean that it is safe. For example, an unsuspecting pedestrian about to trek down a seemingly innocuous wooded path might encounter the following sign:

“‘Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

“Beware the Jabb”

That can’t be good.

At this point, if I’m the humble pedestrian, I start freaking out. I wasn’t expecting a warning sign at all, and now not only am I faced with one, but it’s one that appears to be written not so much in English as in a language resembling English, kind of like a CD resembles a record, but it’s not going to do you a lot of good if you try to play it with your phonograph. I start to wonder: have I somehow walked all the way to Australia? Ireland? Or back in time?

Second, and even more frightening, the bottom of the sign appears to have fallen off the tree. The message now cuts off in the middle of a word. The “Jabb,” it seems, is perhaps only about a third of my problem. I don’t know what it is, or why I should beware it, or what sort of effective countermeasures exist, though, frankly, given the nature of the portion of the sign still standing, I doubt that the rest would have been all that enlightening.

Panicking, I stumble around in the ever-increasing darkness (it stays light later these days, but not that much later) until I locate the section of the message that fell. It turns out that the sign was not so much a warning as it was a story. Still, I found the story educational, in that it taught me to stay the heck away from this particular forest. So, for the sake of those who come after me, I translate it into English, abbreviate it (for the tree was clearly never capable of supporting such a long story in the first place), and reapply it.

It now reads something like this:

“Son, beware the Jabberwock, the Jubjub bird, and the Bandersnatch. I recommend this vorpal sword. Snicker-snack! Did you kill it? Great!”

Happy trails!

The Jenoviad Entry #57

Wordsman — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 06:00:12 +0000

Tifa charged in, saw the Don
“Corneo! Up you’ll fess!”
Aeris followed, looking sad
“Aww, Cloud took off his dress”

“So much for my guards,” he said
“You folks don’t mess around
This is the might of AVALANCHE
The noble underground!”

“What do you know ‘bout us?”
Tifa asked. “Don’t even twitch!
If you don’t answer, let’s just say
Your voice will rise in pitch”

“Sounds like fun,” the Don replied
But his eyes filled with fear
Aeris failed to understand
“You’re gonna hit his ear?”

The Don said, “I was simply tasked
To find the gun-armed man”
Tifa asked, “Who told you?”
“Heidegger. It was his plan”

“The Head of Public Safety?”
In her voice, a hint of fret
The man did keep the public “safe”
By crushing ev’ry threat

“I did what he wanted
I helped him his problem fix
Pointed him to Sector Seven
Oh thank God we’re here in Six”

Movie Two-Liners Entry #56

Wordsman — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 06:00:01 +0000

And this week the Wandering Wordsman subtly criticizes the Academy Awards by offering a puzzle about a movie that should have won Best Picture but didn’t:

Last week’s puzzle:

A former singer deals in fashion and misinformation until leaving town to take care of some unfinished business. A man who works in the communications industry is arrested for acquiring valuable information, but then a man who once stole his most treasured possession gives him the greatest gift of his life.

And the answer is . . . ▼

This Day in History #56

Wordsman — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 06:00:32 +0000

The Rebs wanted to end the blockade
That was mucking up all of their trade
They sent the Merrimack
But the Union fought back
For they too had a ship iron-made

Event: USS Monitor faces CSS Virginia (formerly USS Merrimack) in the Battle of Hampton Roads
Year: 1862
Learn more: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Hampton_Roads

Brevity=Wit Entry #14A

Wordsman — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 06:00:16 +0000

I should have known. I should have anticipated that writing about an extremely controversial topic like Paul Revere would land me in trouble. I should have predicted that, shortly after posting the latest edition of Brevity=Wit, my inbox would be rent asunder by a veritable firestorm of enraged emails. But, foolishly, I did not. And this is what I got for it:

“Paul Revere never made it to Concord!”

“How could you not mention Samuel Prescott and William Dawes?”

“He never said, ‘The British are coming!’ Most Massachusetts residents at the time thought of themselves as British! He actually said, ‘The Regulars are coming!’ . . . oh wait. You did that. Never mind.”

Personally, I think that these people should really take up their problems with Longfellow. He wrote the poem. I was just going off of his work (and, for the record, even Hank gave a nod to both tradition and accuracy by using the phrase “British Regulars.”) But, since he’s been dead for approximately 130 years, I guess I’m the only one around who can do anything about it. So, here goes.

Listen, my readers, with “oohs” and with “aahs”
To a tale of Sam Prescott, and poor William Dawes
In the middle of April, Seventeen-seven-five
Truly no one is still alive
To remember that famous time of year

It began with Doc Warren, who told his friend Bill
“You must spread now the news of the Regulars’ plot”
Said Dawes, “Do not worry. I certainly will
And I’ll bring this guy Paul along with me. Why not?”
They rode out of Boston, past the late-night tramps
And Paul wasted time messing ’round with some lamps
Soon they arrived in old Lexington
Warned Hancock and Adams that they’d better run
‘Fore the Regulars came and spoiled their fun

There, near old Lex, they met young Doctor Sam
Coming back now from paying a call on his gal
So Dawes told him, “Hey buddy, we’re in a small jam
Do you think you can help us?” “I verily shall!”
And the three rode to Concord, with its weapons stores
The protection of which was the chief of their chores
And away the three flew, with their speed at the top
Driving their horses so hard they were like to drop
Till a man in a red coat suggested they stop

British horsemen, at Lincoln, planned them to detain
But Will Dawes had a mission, a most sacred task
He and Prescott would break out, show the Redcoats disdain
While Revere, he just sat there (probably with a flask)
But Dawes’ sacred mission was lost on his horse
Who bucked him the first change that it got, of course
But Sam Prescott escaped, leaping over a wall
And he had the good sense not to on his butt fall
He warned Concord, Acton, Framingham–warned them all

Now, Revere was not useless, as some’d have you believe
He was busy as he did to Lexington ride
Through fair Middlesex County he bobbed and did weave
And by time he was done they were fit to be tied
But to put him in Concord, where he didn’t belong
Longfellow, I am sorry to say, was quite wrong
And to leave out poor Prescott, and great Billy Dawes
Cheating them out of their highly deserved applause
Such a mighty affront should be against the laws

The Jenoviad Entry #56

Wordsman — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 06:00:56 +0000

Aeris could not help but grin
And Tifa looked offended
Cloud piped: “Y-you mean this other girl
Yes, that’s what you intended!”

Corneo: “And modest, too!
I’ve got a winner here!
You two, go off with the boys
Call me if you need beer

“We shall away to my boudoir!
It’s okay to say ‘Wow!’”
The room was . . . well, like you’d expect
Thought Cloud: just kill me now

“I’d like to start with role play
I’ll be Stanley, you be Blanche”
Said Cloud: “I’d rather just talk
H-have you heard of AVALANCHE?”

Corneo’s eyes narrowed
“That’s a funny thing to ask
So, are you the pretty face?
Or do you wear . . . a mask?”

The fat man lunged, and snagged Cloud’s dress
It came off, bit by bit
Soon the disguise had disappeared
The Don said, “Holy shit!

“Sweet Jesus! I was joking!
You . . . you’re actually a guy?”
Cloud savored his freedom
As he rearranged his fly

Movie Two-Liners Entry #55

Wordsman — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 06:00:49 +0000

Continuing the tradition from last year, this week the Wandering Wordsman honors the Academy Awards by offering a puzzle for a Best Picture winner:

Last week’s puzzle:

A former employee of an insurance firm gets into trouble because he can’t let go of his old job. A trip to the tropics improves his mood but leaves him with some big problems to deal with when he gets home.

And the answer is . . . ▼